Some of you may be aware that my last Flashback Friday movie review was a joint production. I had wanted get someone else involved to make it more, collaborative. I thought to myself – Twitter is full of sensible, even minded people. Yeah, that’s the way to go! So out went a tweet looking for any interested parties to review Stephen King’s It. But, to my eternal regret, I foolishly used the hashtag ‘clowns’ in my tweet and was immediately contacted by my co-reviewer, then presidential nominee Donald Trump. The result was this review.
Fast forward several months and my co-reviewer is now President. I hoped that would be the end of our collaboration, but alas he ‘didn’t get the memo’ as they say. It turns out that avoiding security briefings is a full time job for the President, so their loss is my misfortune. So without further ado, The Blase Fanboy, in collaboration with ‘Presidential Pictures’ (I have been asked to include this title), present their review of the 80’s classic ‘The Goonies’.
For full disclosure we are sitting in a store room in the White House. The President is accompanied by the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, Chief Strategist Steve Bannon and several members of the Secret Service are standing guard outside.
Me: I suppose congratulations are in order Mr. President, a lot has changed since our last review.
President Trump: Thank you Byron.
BM: It’s Brian actually.
*Steve Bannon falls forward like Bernie in ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’. President Trump appears to consult with him*
President Trump: Well I think you will find you have been misinformed. Bigly.
BM: *blank stare* Moving on. So today’s movie is The Goonies which is about a group of young kids who, in trying to save their homes from foreclosure, discover a pirate map to lost treasure.
President Trump: Are we talking about the same movie? The movie I saw was about one man’s quest to improve a beautiful country club despite the jealous efforts of a group of nobody’s. Sad.
BM: Of course you would see that.
President Trump: Well I have terrific eyes, terrific. Trust me, I see with them, so I should know.
Me: That is not really proof.
Sean Spicer: I would ask you to refrain from attacking the President.
Me: What?! I merely stated a fact.
Sean Spicer: Exactly.
Me: Amazing. So the story starts with the children enjoying one last weekend before they have to leave their homes. They stumble upon an old pirate treasure map in the attic and their adventure begins.
President Trump: That was Mr. Perkins first mistake. He should have foreclosed on a Friday, not given those losers time to find a long-lost pirate treasure. Trust me I know about long-lost pirate treasures being found to prevent foreclosures, no one knows more about long-lost pirate treasures being found to prevent foreclosures than me. Bigly.
Me: Sweet Christmas. The story is about the children’s adventure not about the country club owners.
President Trump: Wrong. Wait ssssshhhhh *straining to listen*
Me: On that note, why are we in a store room?
President Trump: Hiding from the National Security Advisor. He keeps telling me about fake coups. Awful. So I schedule my meetings where he can’t find me.
Me: Do the six secret service guys outside the door not give it away.
President Trump: I have them trained in the ‘Art of the Deal’. Wait for it. *muffled conversation from the other side of the door*
Secret Service (in unison): WRONG!
*PT tries to high-five an unmoving Bannon*
Me: So the children find the map to One-Eyed Willy’s *sniggers all round* treasure. They trick their brother and set off in search of adventure.
President Trump: See this is the problem. Kids today are a mess. I inherited a mess. They say that 97% of kids in search of lost pirate treasure trick their siblings. Terrible.
Me: We spoke about this. The Goonies is a movie, it’s not real. Nor is that made up stat.
President Trump: That’s the information I was given. I heard those numbers somewhere. Hillary said it not me. *gives tiny thumbs up to Bannon*
Me: Moving on. The Goonies reach an abandoned restaurant and run into the Fratellis inside. Our villains of the piece.
President Trump: You are doing a tremendous disservice to small business owners. Tremendous disservice.
Me: No, Mr. President. The Fratellis don’t own the restaurant.
President Trump: They most certainly do. Steve told me he’s eaten there. Terrific Lobster. Awful nacho bowls.
Me: The kids make themselves scare and return to the restaurant after the Fratellis leave.
*Steve Bannon’s head falls to the side and drool drips from the left side of his face*
President Trump: Steve’s right. Can’t trust those lefties. That’s brekky and entering.
Me: Say what?
President Trump: Brekky and entering. Early morning burglary.
Me: We are so f**ked.
President Trump: You’re welcome.
Me: Ok, back to the movie. The kids find themselves in an underground cave system and get separated from Chunk who gets picked up by the Fratellis.
President Trump: Driving an American automobile. Make America Great Again.
Me: You know Jeep is owned by Fiat, an Italian controlled Dutch company.
*President Trump shrugs 17 times and turns his gold throne away from me – with help from Sean Spicer*
*15 minutes later*
Me: We good to keep going now? Sulk over?
President Trump: The hatred, just the hatred. These are not fake blues. *points to his own face*
Me: Baby. The kids have to negotiate the pirate traps all while keeping ahead of the Fratellis.
President Trump: Is that a Ukrainium name? Fratellskis? *makes neck chopping motion to Bannon*
Me: Ukrainium is not a word Mr. President.
President Trump: Oh Byron. You know what Ukrainiums are used to make, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like lots of things are done with Ukrainiums. Including some bad things. But nobody talks about that.
Me: The name is Italian.
President Trump: Steve have we banned them yet? *SS moves Bannon’s head from side to side* Ok, so they can stay. Go ahead. I did like that tall handsome guy with the blonde quiff. Rugged.
President Trump: Even his name appeals to me. Strange.
Me: The kids finally reach One-Eyed Willy’s *sniggers all round* ship and the treasure only for the Fratellis to trigger the final trap.
President Trump: Just let me stop you there Byron. Steve, have we found that ship yet? It’s Oregon right? So we should check the entire east coast not just there.
*Bannon topples off his chair and lies limp on the ground*
President Trump: Ok, have your nap but get back to me as soon as you find it.
Me: I think he’s dead.
President Trump: If by dead you mean dead tired, I agree.
Me: This is pointless, you only hear what you want.
President Trump: I’m fine thank you, I had a large breakfast.
Me: Finally the kids escape to their waiting parents, the Fratelli’s are captured and they manage to finally save the day thanks to the family housekeeper.
President Trump: Terrible, terrible situation. A hard-working country club owner just trying to live the American dream by taking a few peoples homes and what happens? He is basically robbed by an immigrant. Sad!
Me: The housekeeper saved the family’s homes by finding the precious stones. She helped good, honest American.
President Trump: She is on my list now. She won’t get away this.
Me: Seriously, your delusional. Anyway, wrapping up I think The Goonies is a classic adventure in the mold of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It captures a typical kid’s fantasy at that age – adventure, lost treasure, pirates, camaraderie and acceptance. It is a 5 out of 5 for me and it hasn’t aged in any way.
President Trump: I feel Mr. Perkins was hoodwinked, terrifically hoodwinked by those kids. Not to mention their leader, that Mexican lady.
Me: There is nothing to indicate she was Mexican.
President Trump: *shrugs* Says you. I think that gang is dangerous and I will keep America safe from them. Bigly.
President Trump: Hey watch this *pushes Bannon’s bloated belly and a slow, squelchy fart escapes from him*.
PT: Every time! This man is crazy, crazy.
*a stench quickly fills the store room*
Me: WTF!?! We are done.
President Trump: *sniffs* Smells like my cologne.
Me: And your breath.
President Trump: Sean, that reminds me, we are out of Tic Tacs. *winks*
Not only were no animals harmed in the making of this movie review, but the whole post has, of course, been a parody. I just wanted to make that clear to prevent any future threats of being imprisoned for not divulging the whereabouts of a gold laden pirate ship. My lips are sealed.
Please take some time to check out JWKartstudio, whose wonderful art adorns the top of this blog post.
The Blase Fanboy Score:
Presidential Pictures Score: