I have been invited to a Halloween party and, as per tradition, it’s a costume party. I like dark characters and my first choice was ‘Twisty the Clown’ from American Horror Story Season 4. I just love the guy, although he has communication issues I admit. Unfortunately, the website with the best outfit was American. But despite delivering to 220 countries, tiny Australia was not one of them. So long Twisty you quirky jokester.
Sticking with the clown theme, my second choice was ‘Pennywise the Dancing Clown’ from Stephen King’s It. However, I had managed to never watch the movie, despite it scaring my friends witless back in 1990. I was sure Pennywise was scary – praise for Tim Curry’s performance seemed universal – but I thought I had better watch it first. In stills Pennywise seemed every bit the funster I was hoping for.
When I found out it was a three-hour watch – I mean the book was only 444,414 words long, a nip and tuck here and there should have been no issue – I decided I better review it (It) at the same time. I mean who has three hours to throw away. On a Sunday. When you are hung over and only have a nine-hour window for Netflix.
Seeing as this was an unplanned post I wanted to switch this movie review up a little. Try and get someone else involved to make it more, collaborative. I thought to myself – Twitter is full of sensible, even minded people. Yeah, that’s the way to go! So out went a tweet looking for any interested parties to review Stephen King’s It. But, to my eternal regret, I foolishly used the hashtag ‘clowns’ in my tweet and was immediately contacted by my co-reviewer below. I wasn’t thrilled about it but it was slim pickings, so this is where we ended up.
So, don’t judge me on this but…. here is my attempt to review Stephen King’s It with presidential nominee, Mr. Donald Trump.
Brian McDonnell (BM): Well thank you for inviting yourself along to this review of Stephen King’s It Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump (DT): Call me The Donald.
BM: I’m not going to do that Mr. Trump.
DT: The Donald.
BM: Anyway, so Stephen King’s It is a 1990 adaption of the classic book about a malevolent entity that comes out of hibernation once every 30 years or so and terrorises a group of kids…
DT: Can I respond to that.
BM: To what, I’m just outlining the plot.
DT: Thank you. First of all, Pennywise right? Terrific guy, terrific guy. *sniff* I think his treatment at the hands of those kids was nothing short of disgusting.
BM: Did you watch the movie Mr. Trump?
DT: I don’t need to watch a whole movie to know everything that happened. That man was a saint, a saint. We need more law enforcement to protect our hard-working clowns. *sniff* tic tac?
BM: Eh, no thank you.
DT: They work, trust me. *winks*
BM: Gross. Pennywise was terrorizing kids and killing them. It’s implied he has been doing it for centuries.
DT: Implied, but there is no proof, no proof. Not one charge has been brought against him *sniff* and trust me I know about charges. No one knows more about charges than me.
BM: I am not sure that is something to brag about.
BM: Look I am going to just get the premise of the movie out-of-the-way so we can discuss our thoughts on it.
DT: So I don’t get right of reply? That’s fair, one against one. Which camera do I talk to?
BM: There are no cameras Mr. Trump. This is for a blog post….. So our heroes are seven kids known as The Losers….
BM: …and IT has killed the younger brother of one of the group.
DT: *face contorts in 8 different ways* *silent sniff*
BM: Every child is visited by It in the form of their greatest fears. Once they all realise they are being attacked by the same being, and figure out It is to blame for spate of disappearances, they vow to kill it. Armed with a slingshot, and an unbreakable bond, they set out to end the monster’s reign. Mr. Trump, let’s start with you, what did you think of the movie?
DT: I thought it was terrific, terrific. I always like to see how the poor people live. That clown, Pennywise. What a name and trust me I know about names. No one knows more about names than me. But, thanks to President Obama, he lives in a sewer. *sniff*
BM: It’s a fictional world and even if it wasn’t, we are talking about 1960. How could it be Obama’s fault?
DT: Clown Tax.
BM: Did you say… clown tax?
DT: Too much clown tax, the poor man can only afford a sewer.
BM: I am not sure he actually pays for the sewer….
DT: Smart man.
BM: And clown tax doesn’t exist.
DT: Shows what you know. Ask my lawyers, they have me paying millions in clown tax since I was 2 years old. No one pays more clown tax than me.
BM: I can’t….. why would a 2-year-old need lawyers.
DT: Take my advice, get them even younger. Otherwise the tax man will kill you, trust me.
BM: Back to the movie. So the kids set out to attack Pennywise in his lair.
DT: Question, what was with the broad being the best shot? Not one of those boys stepped up. Don’t get me wrong I have great respect for broads. They love me, but those boys really are losers. I would have been the best shot, no question. *sniff*
BM: Ok, I thought the movie was poorly written and far too long – for their version of the story. I never watched it when I was younger, so the fear I might have had then, as a child, doesn’t manifest itself now. The adult cast are also hamming up the screen to the extreme. Tim Curry being the one exception. Your thoughts?
DT: I liked the writer, he wrote terrific books. *sniff* I might get him to write my next one.
BM: Ok, he’s not real, but let’s run with it. What about the writer did you like?
DT: Ponytail. I am a firm believer in every American’s right to have a magnificent hair piece.. I mean style. Just edit that last part out, I think my microphone is faulty.
BM: You don’t have one…… *sigh* Any thoughts on key scenes? Confrontation in the sewers?
DT: Listen, I gotta tell ya. Those kids were trespassing. *sniff* Man’s home is his castle and Pennywise was minding his own business. He oughta sue. I should put him in touch with my lawyers. Terrific guys and trust me I know about terrific. No one knows more about terrific than I do. *sniff*
BM: I thought the library scene with Pennywise was creepy, thanks mainly to Curry again.
DT: I am not a fan of Indian food, but I love Nacho bowls. You know with the nachos, built up, like a wall…. around the outside. *winks at a wall*
BM: Did you just wink at that wall?
DT: Let’s not talk about the wall. If I build it, they will pay for it.
BM: Let’s just move on. I thought the ending was atrocious. It looked so cheap and the final battle was so anti-climactic. A friend has mentioned that King’s handling of the ending is far superior despite the movie using a lot of the key elements of the book.
DT: I was just glad they found the real killer. I knew Pennywise was a saint, a saint. *sniff* Plus they let that hot broad take the shot. As it should be. I am a gentleman and I have nothing but respect for women. You should always allow hot broads to go first.
BM: The creature and Pennywise are the same entity Mr. Trump.
DT: Wrong. They look nothing alike. I know what a clown looks like, trust me.
BM: Unbelievable. OK, you recommend the movie, but is there anything you would change?
DT: Look I think all American’s should watch this movie to see the injustice my good friend Pennywise had to go through. If I had to change one thing, I would change the mobile phone. I mean the Motorola Dynatech was the model of choice in the 90’s, trust me. Gordon Gekko used one and I actually gave it to him. Terrific guy, terrific guy and close friend.
BM: Gordon Gekko is a character in Wall Street, Mr. Trump.
DT: I am well aware of where he works. *sniff*
BM: I would give Stephen King’s It 4 out of 10 and suspect the upcoming remake may do Stephen King’s original story more justice. The child actors and Tim Curry elevate it somewhat, but just can’t save the obvious TV budget. The ending is horrible and the adult actors are mostly inept, but Pennywise is the most memorable face for this monster. Anything to add Mr Trump?
DT: Not a lot of people know this, but I actually directed this movie.
BM: No, no you didn’t.
DT: Thank you. *sniff*
BM: Oh go blow your f**kin’ nose!
Not only were no animals harmed in the making of this movie review, but the whole post has, of course, been a parody. I just wanted to make that clear to prevent any future threats of being sued – and also to avoid paying any clown tax.